I saw a skunk once. It looked fluffy and cute. It didn't resemble the Pepe Le Pew I grew up knowing but did have a massive fluffy tail. I knew to stay the hell away from it because their spray was supposed to smell awful. I had no idea how truly terrible it was to be skunked as to me an animal stinking that bad was purely conceptual.
HERE ARE SOME WORDS
- smell
- dry retch
- onion weed
- burning eyes
- yelping dog
- red
- peroxide
- baking soda
- 3am drive to Walmart
- possible rape
- burnt chemicals
- nasal attack
- google
- the bog of eternal stench
ALL THE SWEAR WORDS
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| Meet Byron. He is ashamed. |
I was struggling with jet lag and I just couldn't sleep again. At 2.30am I decided enough was enough and that I was going to turn everything off and try to sleep. My dogs were acting like they needed to pee so of course, I let them both out to pee. Byron ran straight to the fence and started barking like a maniac. I saw something moving in the shadows and thought it was a squirrel as that was the only thing I knew with a fluffy tail. I then realised that the fluffy tail was in fact black and white. Shadowish. Evil. Stinky.
OH MY GOD. IT'S GOING TO BE BYRON VS/ SKUNK
I yelled at Byron to get his ass back inside but oh no, he wanted to have it out with the skunk that was carefully aiming it's backside to Byron's face. Magnus was smart (my Chihuahua) and stood next to me as Byron continued to annoy the bloody skunk.
SKUNKS NEVER LOSE.
What was I supposed to do? I looked for a hose but there wasn't a hose to be found. I wasn't going to go near them as I didn't want to be skunked. I knew that my dog wouldn't be able to hurt the skunk as he couldn't get through the fence but the skunk was going to hurt my dog and in turn me with what was about to happen. I turned to go inside to get a long handled broom and just as I did I heard a noise and smelt something awful.
BYRON GOT SKUNKED.
He wiped his muzzle on the grass and ran in a circle for a bit. I stupidly called him inside to get him away from the black and white fluffy tailed menace outside. Stupidly. I didn't know what else to do. The second he came inside I regretted it.
BYRON STUNK.
I have smelt skunk before but never like this. It always smelt like onion weed. This did not smell like onion weed. Byron, and the house smelt like chemical warfare. Burnt chemicals. Perming solution. Burnt hair. It was fucking awful. My eyes were burning and I felt like I was going to throw up. It was 2.30am.
It was really late but I couldn't do it by myself. I had to wake up reinforcements which I hate doing to start with and it was even worse as the husband has no sense of smell. Good for him, shit for me. The no sense of smell thing means that I get to smell everything more than usual to see if things actually smell bad - and I have an extremely sensitive sense of smell. Skunk smell is bad.
YOU SAY TOMATO?
I remember reading something once about covering skunked dogs in tomato but apparently this doesn't work. What does work, according to our extensive 2.45am research is hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and soap. Guess what we didn't have? A quart of hydrogen peroxide. Off to the 24 hour Walmart I drove.
My eyes burnt as I drove and by the time I go to Walmart at 3am I looked like I was totally stoned. I stunk, had bloodshot eyes, I grabbed a shitload of baking soda and hydrogen peroxide - oh and candles, lots of candles, paid and left. Rape free. I say that because as I was about to leave I realised I was alone, it was 3am and there were a bunch of guys at the front of the store who saw me walk in solo and were possibly waiting for me to walk out. It was all good - I remembered I knew kung fu.
WASH THAT PUPPY
By the time I got home Byron had been washed three times with the apple scented dog wash we had in the house. I used my chemical skills I had established from chem class in high school to mix everything together and not blow up the house or create some kind of poisonous fumes.
By now it was about 3.30am. With the mix created we washed the dog. Well, I sat back and supervised as Byron was washed. I drove to Walmart and back - that was my job. I lit candles and Febreezed the shit out of the house to try to get rid of the stench and it worked. The house stopped smelling like the bog of eternal stench and more like home again. Byron was washed three more times and each time I had the pleasure of smell checking him to see if he was improving. He was. It was 4.15am.
DONE, DONE AND DONE
Byron was done. I dried him off and set up a blanket for him to sleep on in the garage for the night. I wasn't taking any chances with re-stinking out the house that I had slowly nursed back to pre-skunk smell. I sprayed him with some more anti-stink spray and he was done for the night. I was done for the night.
IT WAS 4.30AM
WHAT DO YOU NEED IF YOUR DOG GETS SKUNKED?
- 1 quart (or liter) of 3% Hydrogen Peroxide, H2O2.
- 1/4 cup (50 ml.) of Baking Soda
- 1 teaspoon (5 ml.) of Liquid Soap
- 1 pair of plastic or latex gloves
