Social media is incredible for many reasons, but one of the ways that it has helped me has been in reaching out to find other people who understand what I go through. As I am sure you are aware from previous posts, I suffer from anxiety and depression. Depression isn't cool, people are afraid of it, don't understand it, or just write people who suffer from it as melodramatic. We aren't. It's a real thing - and every day can be a struggle. Some days can even be absolutely terrifying.
A week ago I wrote a post for my friend Jules about depression. The post got an amazing response with people telling us that that was how they felt too. As a fellow sufferer it was great for me to know that I was not alone in feeling this way , and as a writer I am extremely proud that my words hit home for so many people.
The Deep, Dark Well.
I’m sitting here distracted because I can feel it coming. It’s like a low rumble warning me that if I’m not careful today will be the day that I break back down and get thrown into yet another bout of depression. If you know you know. To me when the next wave of depression is coming I feel it like a sinking, almost painful feeling in my chest. My breathing shallows out and I have trouble concentrating. I can feel the panic building up like waves hitting a rocky shore as the tide comes in. It’s the worst feeling. My eyes start to feel heavy as do my arms and the clouds that are invisible to everyone else start to emerge in front of me. Things start to blur and lights dim.
It can be the smallest thing that triggers it but most recently the most common cause has been the feeling of being overwhelmed and out of control.
Overwhelmed by things other people, and I in the past used to find easily doable and out of control over what I want to do with my life. It can be from getting one email too many from a client that upsets me, or hearing something from a friend that I just can’t handle or that someone looks at me the wrong way and I get anxious and panic and start to spiral.
When it sets in it’s like the entire world stops. Time stands still. All there is me and the depression. It eats away at me and nothing else matters as it won’t let me break free. I just stay still, ball up and cry. No matter what anyone suggests it doesn’t just go away and no, I can’t just shake it off. I have to sit with it and suffer through it and wait until it passes. It can be hours, days, weeks but it always fades and then I become me again.
I don’t understand who I am when I am depressed. I know usually I am strong and vibrant and positive and fun to be around but that all goes away when depression hits. I turn into someone who is negative, in tears, sees no future for themselves and is just hurting so terribly they can’t leave the house. I have to hide from the world when it happens and I don’t want other people to see me so lost.
Depression is an awful thing to suffer from and I try to always remember that it’s not my fault and I’m not alone. I remind myself every day that it’s because of a chemical imbalance in my brain but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it. It’s incredibly hard when I’m in the deep dark well of depression, looking up to the sky and feeling like I can’t dig my way out. But I do, I always do. I come back and become the bright, radiant person I know I am – but always waiting for the next wave to hit.
I don't have any answers, all I can do is share. Feel free to share too.
