Update: - I have been getting a lot of emails and tweets since posting this so I want to reassure you all by saying yes I feel great but I am just going through yuck withdrawals right now. Overall I have never felt better. Really. Seriously. Big smile. :) I posted this also so people who were going through depression knew that they were not alone. By the number of responses I have received to my inbox they know they are not and that I too am not alone. Carry on....
It doesn't happen everyday but I want to write about something that is kind of serious. Really serious I guess. I suffer from depression, OCD and Social Anxiety Disorder (S.A.D.) . I am also borderline bi-polar. Still think I am super cool? Still want to be my friend?
I'm not alone. Did you know that 1 in 4 Americans suffer from some kind of mental disorder in any given year? We all hide it pretty well don't we? Announcing it isn't like saying 'hey I have high blood pressure', people actually judge you when you tell them that you suffer from a mental illness. They don't mean it but it happens. Mental illness sucks. I cringe even writing the words "mental illness" as there are so many things associated with these words: the nuthouse, the loony bin, electric shock therapy, straight jackets, shrinks....nothing positive at all. Needless to say it's not the first thing I tell people when I meet them - "G'day! I'm Susan and I suffer from varying forms of mental illness."
I've suffered from depression and S.A.D. ever since I can remember and when my dad died the OCD kicked in nicely. Sweet. Oh and then the births of my kids sucked away of the serotonin and I was given the gift of Postpartum Depression. Yay for me.
The whole mental illness train has been a challenging one that's for sure. Imagine you are me and this happens to you. When Troy was born I went to the doctors office for something and read a flier in the waiting room about depression. It was one of those check the box things. I checked all the boxes - except the suicide one - and burst into tears. I was embarrassed to admit I had a problem but every day was a struggle with the baby and so I was put on Lexapro. I was working full time and the doctor told me that I didn't have the time to focus on diet and exercise or seeing a therapist as I was too busy with work. "Here is your prescription, and call me if you have any dark thoughts". Um, suuuuure. I took the drugs and I felt better. Flat but better. No super highs of happiness no super lows of sadness but I was so busy (really) that I didn't care.
I was on Lexapro for about a year I think and then I felt better and was tapered off it.
Then Teagan was born and another round of PPD was thrown in. Another round of Lexapro. Another tapering off. Lexapro didn't really bother me when I stopped taking it. I think because the dosage I was on - I think 20mg wasn't so high or something.
Last year was a shocker. All the favourite issues were kicked into high gear by everything the universe wanted to throw at me so I felt like a absolute mess. I decided to bite the bullet and actually go see an informed person - a therapist. Well, I can tell you that I learnt that I was somehow scarred for life by seeing my dad slit the throat of sheep and that I tend to think I am more important than I really am and that I try to get on the same 'level' as men who I see in positions of power but apart from that it was a waste of time. I knew all those things already and all the therapist did was wind me up even tighter until he suggested I go on another round of drugs. yay (not). He sent me off to see a psychiatrist who told me I had A, B, C and borderline D He gave me a prescription for some Citalopram (20mg) and the usual call me if you have any "dark thoughts".
I was good for two days. Then I had the mother of all panic attacks. It was insane. I thought I was going to die and I couldn't get out of bed. I was scared. Those dark thoughts were there and I was terrified. I called the Dr at 7am wanting to know what to do as I was freaking out - literally. He didn't get back to me until 11am. 11am! Can you believe it? I was given a prescription for Valium and told to take it twice a day until my brain settled down with all the new chemicals in it. I spent every night for the next two weeks pacing that's how bad the anxiety was. I weaned myself off the Valium and was fine and dandy in about a month.
Things were great. I was working out. Work was good. I felt better. Then the dreaded Xmas hit.
For most people Xmas is a wonderful time. For me it is horrible.My dad died Xmas day. I know it was 9 years ago but I am still not over it. Last year was the worst one by far. No idea why but it was. I went to the doctor and did a depression test that most people should score 4-5 on and scored 14. Yay me. High scores all round - I have always been an overachiever. My Citalopram dosage was doubled to 40mg. That's a lot of anti-depressants in your system. I felt pretty good. I also gained 20 pounds. Shit.
Now to the good part - In the past six months things have turned around and I can totally pinpoint it on one thing. Friends. Since moving out here I had always had the idea of us moving back to Australia in the back of my head so I never really made the effort to make and keep friends but after coming back in February I realised that my new home is here. Let the serious friendships begin. I also started blogging, tweeting and meeting with my friends more often. It has made all the difference in the world. I went back to the doctors 5 weeks ago with a question for him -"How can I lose the 20 pounds I gained and get my libido back?" He says "Are you ready to go off the medicine?" I say " I think so". So it was done. As a precautionary measure I did the same psych test again and this time scored 4. It was actually 3 but I thought he might think I was faking it if I wrote 3.
I got my prescription of 40mg changed to 10mg and I am supposed to wean off the drugs over the next 5 weeks. Two weeks of 20mg, two weeks of 10 mg and one week of 5mg.
I finished taking Citalopram on Friday.
Now I get to suffer from what he didn't tell me about - SSRI withdrawals.
These withdrawals are something else. I remember how I felt after I quit smoking and that it was like that scene in Trainspotting with the baby crawling on the roof. Really. Not exaggerating. It was that painful. This is not painful and a totally different kind of withdrawal. It's kind of hard to explain but I feel like I am a bobble head. My head feels like it is moving all over the place and my body isn't. My eyes are having trouble focusing and I am dizzy as all hell but mentally I feel great even though I am snappy and my patience is very thin right now. I am exhausted and I could stay in bed all day. I am amazed I got through Legoland but Jay has been a saint. Together we looked online at the withdrawal symptoms so he is being amazing and helping me get through them without judging or more importantly complaining. My OCD has kicked back in a little bit but that's OK. I can live with having a super clean and organised house, it's just my brain that hurts. The symptoms all make sense. Mental illnesses, well what I have, comes from a lack of serotonin to the brain. It's not something I can control or have will power over, it's just a chemical imbalance. Anti-depressants work to give the brain more serotonin which is like the happy elixir. Hopefully the introduction of them kick starts your own serotonin machine to kind of reset the balance. When you stop taking the anti-depressants your brain freaks out - that's why it's so very important to taper off gradually. Even after tapering off for 5 weeks my brain is still freaking out. I thought there was something wrong with my ears or I had vertigo or something but after looking into the withdrawals this morning look at what I see:
From Wiki - Symptoms described as "brain zaps", "brain shocks," "brain shivers", "head shocks" or "cranial zings" are a withdrawal symptom experienced during discontinuation (or reduction of dose) of antidepressant drugs.[8][9] The symptoms are widely variable in description and of unknown etiology;[9] common descriptions include dizziness, electric shock-like sensations, sweating, nausea, insomnia, tremor, confusion, nightmares and vertigo.[8][9] The MedDRA "preferred term" for coding these types of symptoms in adverse drug reaction reports (for use in pharmacovigilance databases such as under the Yellow Card Scheme) is paraesthesia.[10][11]
Oh joy. Oh bliss. At least I know that my head feeling all crazy isn't just me imagining things. What do you think - wouldn't it be truly great if doctors explained this stuff to you in detail so you didn't have to do a google search to see what the hell is wrong with you? Anyway it seems I am suffering from classic SSRI Withdrawals. I have no idea how long it is going to last but I do know that when I sit still and upright like I am now that the dizziness isn't as bad. Guess it's just another excuse for me to be here.
The whole point of this post is that I want to say something. Mental illness shouldn't be something that is scary or embarrassing. It's not my fault that my serotonin receptors aren't up to par. I didn't do anything to them, it's just always been that way. We don't judge people who have diabetes because their bodies don't process sugar well so why should I be judged because mine doesn't process serotonin and if I end up on anti-depressants again that's OK.
At the end of the day I don't care if you think I'm nuts or if you have a lesser opinion of me. That's not my problem. That's yours. If anything you should be proud to be part of what has helped me get out of this mess...my writing and my friends.
For more information about fighting the stigma associated with mental illness go to www.nami.org
11 comments:
To me you are Susan! And I think you are awesome!
I totally agree with LD! You will jump this hurdle and be all the better for it.
You've been a great friend to me. You are a great person and I feel blessed to have met you and your family. I'm definitely here to support and help. Just let me know what I can do.
I think you are awesome and I am here to help and support you any way I can!
Thanks so much guys. Without you I would still be back in the grey endless tunnel of depression. I realised when I was reading your comments and I went back and read the post that I had accidently wiped out a paragraph when I was posting. I was in a hurry. This is what you missed:
"Now to the good part - In the past six months things have turned around and I can totally pinpoint it on one thing. Friends. Since moving out here I had always had the idea of us moving back to Australia in the back of my head so I never really made the effort to make and keep friends but after coming back in February I realised that my new home is here. Let the serious friendships begin. I also started blogging, tweeting and meeting with my friends more often. It has made all the difference in the world. I went back to the doctors 5 weeks ago with a question for him -"How can I lose the 20 pounds I gained and get my libido back?" He says "Are you ready to go off the medicine?" I say " I think so". So it was done. As a precautionary measure I did the same psych test again and this time scored 4. It was actually 3 but I thought he might think I was faking it if I wrote 3."
love you!
Found you through my google alert. LOVE this post! Thanks for speaking and sharing your story. I'm going to feature this in the weekly round-up I do over at my blog featuring blogs dealing with ppd and other perinatal mood disorders. Hope that's okay!
You are very brave just to share what SO many of us feel and go through. Sharing your feelings and your story is sure to help others. I feel closer to you knowing that you and I share so many of the same things and you are able to put it into words so well.
I am able to write about all types of topics, but when it comes to these feelings, and my depression I am never able to put it into words that I am comfortable with and thus never end up sharing.
Thank you! You are strong, and you are amazing my friend.
You're welcome Patrick. Like I was saying it's hard because lots of people suffer from this but are scared to talk about it because of the taboo.I hope by writing about it every now and then I can help someone feel more "normal"
I'm a little late to this party but I just found you through some major blog surfing (which is what I tend to do when my depression/anxiety starts to speak up - I spend hours escaping online. Healthy, I know. ha ha). I just wanted to say that I appreciate your candor and openness on this subject so much. I've been dealing with depression, panic attacks, OCD, PTSD and a number of other fun diagnosis for about nine years now and it's taken me that long to get a good foot hold on this whole thing. I've been off and on the meds the entire time, and now have found that 20 mgs of Prozac every day seems to be my magic number. The reactions from people have been almost as hard as suffering the actual physical symptoms! It is awesome to feel less alone and more understood...your post really touched me, so thank you again for sharing. Now I'm off to stalk your blog like crazy! :P
Hi Messymama,
Thanks for your amazing comments. I remain drug free but every day is a struggle. Some days are easy and others are just bloody awful. Like you said the stigma is very hard to deal with too. Nothing like telling your friends that you have a mental illness. It's when you realize who your true friends are. I often write about depression and such here because I know there are people like us who just need someone to relate to. That doesn't mean it's ever easy to publically admit you have these conditions. Thanks for reading and I'm glad you found me, find me on twitter too @kungfupussy as I talk about this all the time.
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