Think Positive !

(I published this on my other blog and I got a fantastic response to it so I wanted to put it over here too.)

No-one is perfect.  I am far, far from it, but just focusing on all the negatives all the time just gets old. It also makes me feel too damn old. I'm too young to be too old. Yeah. That.

I'm pretty hard on myself most of the time, but if I sit back and think about all things I'm doing right right now, I'm doing pretty bloody good...all things considered. As I mentioned, being harsh on myself is just giving me more stress that I don't need so I decided that I would give myself a break at least for a few minutes every day. Sometimes those few minutes can be incredibly valuable and help me sleep soundly.

How did this start? My friends from Australia presented me with that incredible #KFPKicks painting and they also gave me something else when they arrived. Very small but very important in its own way. It's a small notebook, it doesn't have a lot of pages, but it has very thin ruled lines inside - between which you can write a lot of things. Positive things!

The outside of the book has a cut out stenciled French phrase on one side and English on the other. The English side says: "I'm kind of a big deal." Let's get this straight - I do not think I am. I'm pretty sure some people might think that I think I'm "the shit", but that couldn't be further from the truth. Those who know me, know. I rarely think I am much of anything to be honest, but that's not a good way to live.  It's really not. It's time to try to be more positive - and again, life is just too damn short to be any other way.

When Lou gave me the notebook I looked at it and laughed and thanked her - and then had an idea. I had been pretty hard on myself due to a bunch of different things that had been happening -  some out of my control, some had been my fault but all of them had stressed the hell out of me nonetheless. I thought about how I looked when I was home last August, which was the last time we saw each other, and thought of how I looked now. The stress and worry of the past few years (the last one in particular) is now very obviously etched on my face. I'm not happy about that.

Think Positive!  The notebook has become the spot where I do just that. Well, kinda. I think and write only positive. Every night before I go to bed I force myself to write something good about myself. Sometimes I don't want to. I'm too tired. Feel like crap. Not so positive. But I force myself to write something anyway. Every single night. I go to sleep feeling good about myself, and even if its just about that one thing for the day, it's still a good feeling.


       

 I recommend you all buy a notepad and give it a go.

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THIS

I couldn't have summed this up better myself as someone who struggles with depression. It's getting better, some good days, some bad days but overall things right now are really good. This is the reality though. Please read it if you have some time and if you want to know more about what it is like being someone like me. Someone who is awesome, but someone who has this.

**NOTE: I am doing kick ass awesome right now. Just wanted to share this. **

http://kungfupussygalore.tumblr.com/post/23830772617/depression-is-humiliating-it-turns-intelligent

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No TV For You

I no longer have cable TV. I cut the cord so to say about a month ago and haven't really looked back. I have been lazy and haven't bought rabbit ears to see if I can get basic channels and really, I only care when hockey is on. I watch Netflix sometimes and Hulu Plus sometimes and I am saving a boatload of money by not paying for all those channels I never watched.

I remember when I first moved in to my apartment and I was happy because the background noise of the TV was gone and I could just listen to music or nothing and be still. The last few nights the wind has been howling outside so I haven't been watching or listening to anything at all except the wind blowing through the leaves of the trees beyond my balcony. When the kids aren't here, Harley and I chill out together in the dark and just relax and breathe and feel small compared with the world which I think is far better than watching TV.

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Treasured

Most people spend holidays like Mothers Day with their families. That was the way I was raised anyhow. We would go back and forth between grandmothers and our own mother and have a day with our extended family as we wished the mums a happy mothers day. Every year. I am 35. This year was my first year not doing this. My family isn't here. I have an ex-family that I no longer spend time with. It's just me and my kids against the world.

Today was Mother's Day.

I would love to say that today was easy and I didn't care because I was with my children and as their mother that was all that mattered - being with my kids, but that wasn't true. I missed my mother, who is back in Australia and I missed my Nan who passed away last year. As always I miss my amazing Grandma who died when I was in high school. These women, although we did not and do not agree on everything were incredibly important to me and even though I didn't follow directly in their footsteps and I forged my own path, I listened to their stories along the way.

Now I am a single mother.

Today was the first time since I had become a mother that I didn't have a partner to tell me that I was doing a great job, that they were proud of me, and that all my sacrifices and hard work were noticed. Nothing. All I had in my head was a fight my ex husband and I had last year during which I was told I was a terrible mother and that I was selfish and had always made bad decisions. Those words were spoken out of anger but those words are the ones that stick.

No-one wants to be told that they are a terrible mother.

I am not perfect, I am far from perfect but I am trying my best. It isn't easy being a single mum. In fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. You feel alone and exhausted and the support you once had after a hard day with the kids or a hard day at work is no longer there. Many secret tears are shed behind closed doors because you never want your children to know how hard it is.

Today I got a text from my ex. It said "Happy Mothers Day!" Of course there wasn't a "I'm happy the kids are doing so great" or "I hope the kids made your breakfast" and I didn't expect there to be. Those days are long gone, and frankly those three words were more than I expected. Gone are the days of breakfast in beds and flowers and cards and random presents. It was never about the present, it was about someone being grateful for the sacrifices I had made to be a mother and to raise my kids and juggle work at the same time. It was about making someone proud to have me as their kid's mum. I probably won't hear that again.

Adjust my focus. That was my past life. Have to move forward. Be happy.


This weekend felt like a Mother's Day extravaganza and I am so incredibly grateful to my children's teachers for doing what they did. My daughter's daycare had a Mother's Day lunch yesterday which was wonderful. My daughter presented me with a poem, a card, a photo and a cup - all instant treasures. The kids all sang as song to us mums. I was so proud. Today was my son's turn as he excitedly showed me what he had made in class - a pillow and a coupon book. I almost cried. I am so so so thankful for their teachers for helping them make my incredible gifts and I wonder if they know how important those small things are to women like myself on Mother's Day. I don't think they can even come close to knowing how important they are and how much we appreciate them.

I couldn't fully comprehend what it was like to be a single mum until I actually became one. It's hard. Really hard. There are so many women who are in situations so much worse than me that I really hate writing about it because I don't want to come across as whining when my situation isn't that bad in comparison but struggling as a single mum is my reality and this is my blog. It would be wrong of me to not share some of the struggles with you - along with the wins and successes.

It's only fair.

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Free Comic Book Day! #FCBD

It's official.

Yesterday I became a geek for reals, not like there was any doubt anyway. 

Free Comic Book Day is a great day in which you support your local comic book store and hang out with the people you see there all time and get free comics. Not all the comics are free, there are selected special editions sent out by the distributors that are given away. This year was a special year as it was the first time a hardcover book was included - and I got one! 

The kids and I waited in line for two hours to get in and get our books. You could only get one. After you got your book you did have the option of exiting the store and getting back in line for another book. I really only wanted Mousegard and co from Archaia so I was more than happy with getting it but why not get more. My kids love Top Shelf so they both got the kids club book. We scored Star Wars / Serenity, The New 52, Dinosaurs vs Aliens and some other random books.

It't not all about the comics though, it's about the culture. There were people dressed up, people playing Magic, music blaring, people tweeting, just a nice vibe. I scored a Geek Magnet tshirt because we all know it's true. 

I love my comic book store. To me, as stupid as this sounds, it's almost like the bar from Cheers. I'm not there nearly as often as I want to be but I know the people there, we have random conversations about stupid stuff and I laugh. It's like a bizarre home away from home. It probably helps that I consider the leader of the pack to be one of my best friends. I respect and admire Portyln for what she does, and I wish I had a store like hers.Coffee store/Comic Store. Dream.Come.True.

If you didn't get a chance to go to Free Comic Book Day 2012, there's always next year. Check it out. Geek it out. Geeks can be sexy you know - I mean gosh, I am one. 

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